Are You Feeling Like an Intimacy Imposter?
What is Imposter Syndrome?
Have you ever looked around a room and felt, “I don't belong here,” or avoided speaking your mind because you feared you would be exposed as a fraud? Thoughts and feelings of inadequacy and disappointment like these commonly occur in people with Imposter Syndrome. Although it is not a formal diagnosis found in the DSM, the challenge to your confidence caused by feeling like an imposter or undeserving of your position can be a serious minefield to maneuver through, especially in the early days of your career.
On the surface, people with imposter syndrome may present as perfectionists or overachievers who set exceedingly high goals and will rarely ask for help to avoid appearing incompetent. Yet, on the inside, they struggle with insecurities, doubt their qualifications, and often attribute success to luck or someone feeling sorry for them. Due to their fear of being exposed to fraud, most people avoid discussing their imposter feelings, resulting in anxiety and dread.
While imposter syndrome can affect anyone, it is experienced more frequently amongst highly successful employees, ambitious students, and members of BIPOC (Black, Indigenous, and other people of color) communities.
Can Imposter Syndrome Exist in Romantic Relationships?
Imposter syndrome is not limited to the office or classroom, as it also occurs in social and romantic relationships. Society has contributed to this by normalizing the phrase "out of my league," as it encourages people to devalue themselves on superficial attributes such as social status, attractiveness, physical appearance, education level, and economic status. As a result, many people suffer from low self-esteem, avoid social situations, and deny themselves the opportunity to pursue a relationship because they fear rejection for embracing their authentic selves.
A person experiencing intimacy imposter syndrome within their relationship may feel significant distress, insecurity, shame, worthlessness, and a need to compare themselves to other people. They additionally fear that their partner will end the relationship when they learn you're not who they put on to be. As a result of these actions, people unconsciously overthink, let their insecurities rule them, and scrutinize for red flags that aren't there.
What Does Intimacy Imposter Syndrome Look Like in Relationships?
Questioning someone's intentions when they ask you out.
You doubt your partner wants you to accompany them on group activities and outings and find yourself wondering why they chose you: Were they guilted into it? Are they dating me to be nice?
Frequently asking your partner to reassure you that they are happy in the relationship.
Provoking arguments and assuming you are constantly being judged or rejected, even if you aren't.
How to Begin Working Through Intimacy Imposter Syndrome
Start or end each day with an affirmation. You may find it uncomfortable at first, but it can become a part of your daily routine if you keep doing it.
Practice mindfulness to encourage self-compassion and overall wellness.
Keep track of when and how frequently your imposter thoughts strike and jot them down. Then, initiate a conversation with your partner and show them your notes if that helps you feel more comfortable. Then, be open to their responses and trust them to tell you the truth.
Identify which of your thoughts are facts or beliefs, and then challenge yourself to find evidence that supports these thoughts.
The Benefits of Professional Help
If your imposter thoughts persist, continue to impact your relationship negatively, or if you would like to deepen the connection you have with your partner, we recommend attending couples therapy. While in couples therapy, one of our therapists will work with both of you to improve communication and establish and enforce boundaries. As well as learning how to counter your negative thoughts and insecurities, your therapist can also help you determine how to combat the root cause. Learning to accept and honestly admit your insecurities will help you form and maintain healthy relationships.
Additionally, therapists can assist you in defining your identities as a couple and as individuals. They can also aid you in recognizing what your goals are as a couple, resulting in a greater sense of trust, understanding, and confidence between you and your partner. Finally, setting and meeting goals will make you genuinely proud of yourself and quite accomplished regardless of whether you have a partner or not.
At Resilience Counseling, we know it is difficult to break out of the intimacy imposter syndrome headspace. For this reason, we implement mindfulness practices, attention redirection, and anxiety reduction techniques in addition to therapy. We have found that providing easy-to-transfer skills increases the choice to continue practicing once at home.
If you or a loved one are experiencing intimacy imposter syndrome and searching for answers, we recommend you schedule a free 15-minute consultation to find out how we can help. You can visit our site or give us a call at (314) 690-5379 for more information.
