Everything You Need to Know About Empathy (Really)
The word empathy seems to surface a lot these days—often enough that it can be uncomfortable to stop a conversation and ask what someone means by it. Do they mean empathy in the same way you understand it? It sounds a lot like sympathy, yet people seem defensive when sympathy is mentioned, and it’s easy to feel confused like this is the wrong word choice.
So why does it matter, and what does empathy even mean? Sit down and let’s take a deep dive into the therapy tool you may already be using as we explore empathy today.
What is Empathy, Really?
Empathy is part of a trio of words often used interchangeably, though they have distinct meanings.
To be empathetic means that you have the ability to both understand and feel what someone else is feeling. You know how to be empathetic when you can sense someone else’s emotional state.
On the other hand, sympathy is having a reaction to the way another person feels. You may not be facing the same time-crunched deadline your partner is, but you can feel regretful that they’re under so much stress.
Compassion is a response to either sympathy or empathy—you either recognize or emotionally respond to someone else’s feelings and take active steps to alleviate the discomfort.
Empathy is visceral, and sympathy is impactful. Each is distinct and valuable but knowing how to be empathetic is a therapy tool that can powerfully change how you move through the world.
The 3 Types of Empathy
Empathy may sound like a narrowly-defined experience, but there is more than one way you may have empathy for (or receive it from) someone. Paul Ekman, the micro-expressions psychologist, and EQ expert Daniel Goreman have identified that empathy skills present in three unique ways.
Cognitive
This is the most detached form of empathy. Cognitive empathy is much like it sounds—instead of being emotionally sensitive to the feelings of another, you logically understand what they are feeling.
Cognitive empathy is much like correlating cause and effect in the emotional world. You understand that when someone is hurt, they feel pain. Recognizing emotional patterns and creating associations is vital in understanding behavior and communicating clearly. This kind of empathy on its own can be weaponized against someone—to fuel negative emotional experiences and perpetuate their pain.
Emotional (Somatic)
Emotional (or sometimes called somatic) empathy is the kind we typically think of. When you are capable of experiencing emotional empathy, you can put yourself in someone else’s shoes. This kind of empathy allows you to experience the world through their eyes, feeling their emotions not from your own perspective but theirs.
Emotional empathy brings you into someone’s dynamic inner world and allows you to engage holistically with that lived experience. While this empathy can be overwhelming and lead to a sense of detachment for those who feel others’ emotions so acutely they can’t separate their own, it’s also the skill that allows many helpers to do the work of therapy.
Compassionate (Affective)
This type of empathy is almost a fusion of compassion and empathy because it is not just a feeling alone—it includes action. Called both compassionate and affective empathy, this is that feeling you get when something happens to someone (or something) and it impacts you so viscerally that you cannot just sit by and let it happen. You must intervene.
Compassionate empathy is so visceral that you can’t help but act, yet isn’t so consuming that the experience paralyzes you. In this way, it’s the Goldilocks of empathy.
But Why is Empathy So Important?
Empathy is not often encouraged in a world that moves from one thing to the next as if we are fueled by checking things off some collective list. However, you can make it a more natural response in your life by using empathy as a therapy tool you choose to practice with yourself and others.
Empathy is important at work because who wants to work with—or for—someone who cannot understand the way you’re feeling? If you’ve been sick or you’re overwhelmed with a task, empathy from others can help you find the support and relief you need.
At home and within your relationships, empathy is often a reflection of connection. Our willingness to put in energy into sensing someone else's emotional state and responding to it with compassion is what creates depth in our lives. Empathy is how we share emotional experiences, and how we connect to those having their own emotional experience without making it all about us.
Simple Ways You Can Show Genuine Empathy
Showing empathy can be simple acts of acknowledgment or complex interventions in a crisis. There is no right or wrong way to show empathy on a broad scale. Instead, knowing how to be empathetic will depend on who you’re responding to and the situation surrounding the moment(s).
You may show empathy by:
Listening to what someone is saying when they need to be heard
Paying attention to body language and physical cues
Ask permission before acting
Accept someone else’s perception of an event
Clarify your understanding instead of assuming
There are many ways to express and feel empathy for those around you—and many types of empathy to feel. You can hone your empathy practice and learn to be more empathetic by offering yourself understanding and curiosity. If you’re looking for support or more therapy tools to engage with empathy in your life, reach out to Resilience Counseling today.
