Beginner’s Guide to Grief

In the early days of grief, even the smallest lifeline can make all the difference. Unfortunately, there is no lifeline to be thrown when we are struggling through a new loss. If you’ve found yourself here, you have our condolences. Grieving is a solitary experience and is different for every person, in every loss. 

While we don’t have a roadmap of what grieving may look like for you, there is no need to navigate this alone. From here in Akron, OH to the far reaches of the globe, the loss is a terribly unique pain. This beginner’s guide to grief and grieving can help you stay afloat amid this painful new normal. 

Survival first 

New loss feels catastrophic. You may move through it on autopilot, taking care of tasks that are required of you but largely feeling numb. It’s just as likely that you feel your emotions acutely and intensely, paralyzed by or drowning in them. Perhaps you swing between the extremes with stops anywhere along the way. Regardless of where you fall on the spectrum of early grief, you must not forget your own care. 

Drink water. Eat regularly, even if you are choosing frequent snacks over regular meals. Move your body and get some fresh air or a change of surroundings. Take care of your hygiene to the best of your ability. When you feel overwhelmed, stop. Prioritize your safety at every moment. Take time to cry when you need to, and when you catch your breath, drink some more water. 

You can’t get it wrong 

Above all else, above even the reminders to care for yourself, there is one thing you must know: you cannot grieve wrong. There is no process, concept, or scale by which you are being graded as you navigate loss. It does not matter what the magnitude of your loss is, the shape that those emotions take, or the way you express them. Whether you freeze with the weight of this new reality, or you can’t stop for a moment in an effort to outrun it, there is no one grading your pain. 

There is no timetable. You can’t focus too much or feel for too long (and those people who expect that of you can show themselves the door). Meet yourself where you are, and be there without the added judgment of what should be. You can’t get it wrong, feel it wrong or think it wrong. Even those navigating the same loss will handle it differently, and guess what? They’re not wrong either. Let your feelings come as they arise, and move through them as you can. 

Set your stage(s)

Familiarize yourself with the stages of grief.  Not because it will help you to move through them faster or more thoroughly, but because having a name for something can be healing. Even if you aren’t ready to talk about what your grief feels like, knowing what you’re feeling is something others have gone through can reduce the isolation of loss. The Kubler-Ross scale identifies Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance as the primary emotions experienced during grief. You may feel all of them or just some. It’s a guideline, not a guarantee, for where your journey may take you.

Give yourself the framework of understanding so that when you feel something acutely, you have the language for what you’re experiencing. There is no need to memorize the order of the steps or seek a timetable for moving through them. Grieving does not keep time, and it will not abide by a clock. Perhaps you’ll move through the stages of grief in a linear fashion. But it’s just as likely you will rollercoaster and deja vu your way through them, time and again. Your grief may spend more time in one stage or another, depending on the circumstances of the loss you’re experiencing. 

Express the mess 

Grief is messy, and messes do not clean themselves. Once you’re reliably caring for yourself and your immovable responsibilities, putting energy into expressing your grief can feel like a cathartic funnel for the intense emotions you feel. Whether that looks like taking up a new hobby or reigniting an old passion, you may find focus in that expression. Pour your pain into paints, bake your questions into cakes or write until your fingers ache with honest words. It may get messy, but often things get worse before they get better. Find your pressure release valve and express what you’re feeling. 

It’s painful and often inconsistent. But there is one inevitable truth about grief that will stay with you from the moment you learn of your loss: It changes you and it never leaves. There is no going back to who you were before you felt the magnitude of grief. There is no neat box to push those emotions or experiences into, and there never will be. Mourning ends, but the changes that occur in us when we experience loss are often permanent. 

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Grief can feel like a riptide in a hurricane. You think you know what’s coming next, but an undercurrent sweeps you away before you can catch your footing or even your breath. It’s a wild ride with many twists and turns. Early grief is scary, and all sorrow can be unpredictable. It’s a tailor-made change to the fabric of your existence, but through change comes a rebirth. You will carry grief with you as you move toward the future, and it may hurt, but you will move forward. There is no rush. There is life beyond grief, and we would be honored to help support you through the journey that leads you there. Get in touch, and we will write your personalized guide to grief together as we go.