Finding Yourself After Loss
Grief creates a great divide. Things will never be the same as they were before, because what once was is now erased from your future, and that future remains unwritten.
Your grief is yours to deal with, from start to finish, and it can be hard to compare or confront the gravity of that head-on. But where do you begin to grieve in identifying who you are after grief has taken your world by storm? How can you own your grief or find yourself after loss?
Identity is the Newtonian fluid of life experiences. It is both solid and liquid at once, flowing between the spaces you must exist in and the concrete roles that shape them. When grief plummets those spaces into darkness so deep that you can’t see where they begin and end, it’s easy to get lost. It’s easier still to feel as if they’ve been erased—they were, in a way.
No loss too small to grieve
The odd and heavy truth of grief is that it can come in any size. Some loss is so catastrophic that your sense of direction implodes in an instant, leaving devastation in the wake of something that once powered your universe. From family deaths to large-scale catastrophes, these experiences are openly fraught with grief and often recognized as traumatic. People often don’t know what to make of your loss after these experiences, and you can lose yourself not only to the grief but to the loneliness as well.
The other side of grief is insidious in its sneakiness. It’s the slow-burn end of a friendship or the loss of a possibility that powered your hope. These small griefs may be tied to liberties or expectations, something unspoken or so personal that no one else feels or seeks the aftershock of the loss that ripples through your world. Even in the quiet tragedy of these tiny griefs, you can lose yourself with the same fervor of catastrophic change.
How do I find something that I can’t get back?
While you may never find the you that existed before your grief again, you can find an authentic version of yourself that exists now. Using the tools you learn in therapy can be a great way to safely navigate the more difficult deep dives into grief, but there is a lot you can do to take back the power of rediscovering your sense of self after loss.
Prioritize Self-care
Taking care of yourself is the first step toward figuring out who you are and what you need. Self-care doesn’t have to look like an indulgence or basic hygiene—but it can look like either if that’s what you’re lacking. You are not obligated to feel refreshed or relieved after you’ve given yourself care. All you need to take away from those experiences is the consistent reminder that even when you are grieving, you deserve care.
Find Space for Honor
Whether it’s gratitude, pain, or a memorial that you want to offer what’s no longer there, make space for that. Honor the loss you’ve experienced—in yourself and outside of it. The initial grief, as well as the loss of self, are worthy of honoring as independent experiences even if they’re irrevocably tied together.
Make a Choice
Will this loss destroy or define you? Both may happen through the experience of early grief, but it’s ultimately up to you which one will come out on top. The loss you’ve experienced may have destroyed who you once were. It can still define who you will become as you find yourself anew.
Discover Your Purpose
Once you have found the depth of your well of grief, you will be tasked with returning to the shallows. Find something that makes you feel the lightness of possibility and hold on to it with all you can. Purpose can create the space you need to search for the answers that feel unfathomable when grief is leading.
And finally, grant permission
One of the most painful (and powerful) things that must happen after loss is making peace with the need for permission. You cannot live in catastrophic grief forever, and uncertainty is not a forever home for hearts.
Giving yourself permission to move on from those depths may well be the hardest choice you make. It doesn’t have to start big, even the mighty oak grows from a tiny sprout. Take baby steps and give yourself grace. You didn’t choose this loss, but you can choose who you will be on the other side of it. If you are looking for support, reach for the guides you need along the way because even here in the dark, we believe in you.