You’re Not ‘Too Sensitive’: On Taking Things Personally
You’ve heard it a time or ten, and it never feels good: “You’re too sensitive” or “You’re taking it too personally.” Often, it's said by a family member whom you feel a lot of affection (or at least obligation) toward. Their voices have a unique way of worming into the mind and creating an echo chamber that drowns out your own inner voice.
An outside voice becomes an inner voice when it’s repeated too often, especially by the same people, but that doesn’t mean that it represents truth. You aren’t too sensitive, so let’s talk about where this notion comes from- and how to stop its impact.
When Am I Being ‘Too Sensitive”?
When you’re told with any frequency that you’re too sensitive and your emotions are too much if you take criticism to heart, the accusation is likely to stick in your mind. But you aren’t too sensitive just because they struggle to meet you in the depths you delve into authentically.
Is it gaslighting?
This term has become a claim that often surfaces in the wake of a messy break-up, as a justification for why things didn’t work out. To determine whether the accusatory dismissal of your emotions truly is gaslighting, there’s a lot more that needs to be considered than this blog post could address. A brief exploration of intent, along with the tone of other comments or the shape of that relationship may help to get a better understanding of what they’re trying to accomplish with their hurtful commentary.
Whether or not it’s meant to be abusive, denying you the right to feel your feelings is rooted in gaslighting. The denial of your reality for someone else’s comfort or control is, by definition, exactly that. Recognizing that does not mean the person demeaning your sensitive spirit intends to do you harm- but the tone of their intention doesn’t mean it isn’t harming you regardless.
When someone questions the validity of your emotions by telling you you’re too sensitive or taking it too personally, they’ve made your lived experience into a weapon they can use against you. It strips you of a sense of control in the interaction, as well as inside your own mind. That can feel scary.
What Can You Do to Take Back Your Power?
Write yourself a script of responses so you’re less likely to freeze and let the comment slip past.
Knowing what you’re going to say in a situation gives you space to breathe when people try to tug on your personal power. That breather, and the relief of recognizing you’re prepared for this, can mean all the difference in how you internalize the things they say or do.
Some responses you can try out are things like:
“My feelings don’t need to be measured.”
“Thank you for your input but it isn’t required.”
“I don’t need you to agree to know what I’m feeling.”
“That’s not for you to decide.”
Depending on the situation, your response may vary. That’s okay. Figure out what you need in those moments and let that lead you in preparing to reply.
2. Go to therapy
I know, I know. You were waiting for this one. But hear me out! Over 20% of the 18-30 age group, and more than 15% of their Gen X counterparts attend counseling.
Many people who develop helping relationships with a neutral party find it easier to recognize behaviors that are harming their mental health. When someone is on the outside looking in, it becomes a lot easier to develop your own voice instead of repeating the things you’ve been taught. Going to therapy is a reliable way to ensure that an outsider truly is a neutral party with the expertise and interest to support your healing.
3. Establish firm boundaries
While expressing your boundaries may lean on your scripts (from step one), and setting them may be best developed in therapy (step two), there is so much value in choosing to focus on what you need from interactions and what you will not tolerate.
Think of your safe space like a box, and think about what you want inside that box. Then, consider what must exist outside of it. The walls of that box are your boundaries and any time someone crosses them, it’s okay to remove them from the safety of your walls in whatever way you develop that feels comfortable. Honor your needs, and your boundaries, even when it feels difficult.
Your Feelings Do Not Need a “But” Clause
Whenever someone starts a sentence with “I don’t mean to be....”, there’s often a “but” that follows. They are often being exactly what they claim, and whether they recognize it and say it aloud, the sentiment hurts all the same. Likely, they’re being judgemental in a space where their judgment (and opinions) are not required- or welcome. Your feelings do not come with a caveat. They are not designed for someone else’s approval.
If the intensity or direction of how you’re experiencing those feelings is too much for them at that moment, that’s okay. What’s not okay is for them to insinuate that their barometer is a reflection of universal truth.
You can be soft, and still strong. Your sensitivity is nothing to be ashamed of, and if you’d like support, we are always just a touch away.