No New Beginnings Please: Guide to Grief in the New Year
When you’re grieving, losing track of the essentials for your own well-being becomes all too easy as you just try to survive the onslaught of emotion that loss brings. Grief is hard, and entering a new year without your person can feel impossible. Shifting the focus of your world to bring your energy toward the things that matter to you may feel both radical and sorely needed, but it’s also at the heart of getting your priorities sorted.
This time of year, so many of those priorities focus on a fresh start—erasing what was for a blank new potential. But when your potential doesn’t include your person, that doesn’t feel good. Let’s focus on other priorities instead.
Space for rest
Make space for rest this year. Rest your body. Rest your mind. Your aching heart may never feel at rest, but you are capable of finding space to set it down and air out the pain of the loss you’ve experienced. Prioritize your rest so that it isn’t something you feel you’re working in spite of. Instead, let rest become a respite from the insistence of improvement and newness as you honor your reality.
Seek support
It’s really easy to want to isolate yourself to block out the pain of loss that comes from constant reminders of a world that’s moving on. You can’t move on. You’re grieving this year the same as you were last year. For many, support from a therapist trained in grief processes can be a critical part of constructing a support system. You’ll want a team of supporters who honor your current self and your loss instead of waiting for an “after.” Additionally, consider expanding your support network to include others who also loved your person or have experienced a similar loss.
replace Self-improvement with…
The concept of being a better person or a “new you” feels integrally tied with the whole New Year celebration. For those of us who are grieving, particularly if it’s your first turn of the calendar without your person, there’s no part of that newness that feels good. So take some space to re-imagine what you can offer yourself as you face down an inevitable newness.
Self-care
Unlike self-improvement, self-care asks a question: What do you need? How you choose to answer that question is entirely up to you. There is no obligation for your self-care to look like a luxurious indulgence. It doesn’t need to be practical or even makes sense to other people. Does caring for yourself mean spending time in the memories you have and feeling whatever comes up? Does it mean escaping into a book or film just for a respite? Self-care is a kaleidoscope of need and possibility, so use it to create the fulfillment you can.
Self-Compassion
Are you angry today? Lost? Feeling hopeless? Those feelings can be frustrating, especially as they rise and repeat in a senseless pattern through the days and weeks following loss. Even years on, the emotional impact of loss can be unpredictable, and you may be prone to feeling ruthless with yourself for not being over it. But the truth is you can’t get over it. Every new year might be difficult, every holiday or missed birthday. Practice self-compassion with those feelings. Make space for them, and yourself, so they can breathe.
Make space for your person
It’s possible that the rollover to 2022 and this blank slate felt like erasure to you, when it feels like hope to so many others. It’s understandable, but it’s also just one small reset within so many other continuations that your person was a part of. The hobbies you shared and books they loved, the moments and memories you made- these all still belong to you in the past and present. Your relationship with your person is eternal and since they can’t be here for this new year, bring them with you in your own special way.
Opportunities for honor
Write their memory into the moments they would have loved to share with you. Take a photo with you to a concert, write their name on the inside of a new book they would have loved. Tuck a memento in your pocket to make new memories together. It isn’t the same, and it never will be again, but honoring their memory and including them in this year in the ways that you can is a powerful gift to yourself.
Say their name
It’s simple and profound. Maybe painful too. But say their name as often as you feel the urge to. Bring your person into the conversation, into your moments. They existed, and here or not, their name still belongs to them.
Let linguistics ease the ache
If the simple act of saying “Happy New Year” feels like it’s too much, don’t. Change the words you use to acknowledge what’s new and doesn’t grate against the raw wound of what’s no longer.
Instead of Happy New Year, you can try:
Welcome to 2022
It’s almost spring!
2022 is here
This year is here
There is no right way to grieve, but there’s no wrong way either. New beginnings, big moments, and memorable dates may always be difficult to get through. There is no pressure to experience 2022 like you experienced the years before grief. When you’re ready for support, Resilience Counseling offers grief therapy for the newly bereaved and the long-familiar with loss. We wish you a 2022 of honor and softness. Go easy into honor this year with the light of their memory in your dark.
