Imposter Syndrome in Relationships
The idea of “imposter syndrome” has taken an increasingly bright spotlight in the last decade or so. The way we see ourselves and the way we imagine others see us plays an important role in the way we move throughout life, and especially affects our relationships.
Imposter syndrome is when we believe that the good fortune, intelligence, or appeal we appear to hold to others is an illusion or a product of circumstance instead of a valid part of our existence.
Feeling like an imposter can be damaging to our worth and our self-perception. We may struggle to see our value in the spaces and relationships we engage in.
When those elements begin to take hold in the core of our being, they can slowly seep into those relationships and cause doubt. If you’re feeling fearful of taking up space or unworthy of the roles you take on in your relationships, keep reading for tips on understanding imposter syndrome and getting ahead of it.
Imposter Syndrome Is Not Your Inner Voice
In short, imposter syndrome is self-doubt with a spotlight and a massive production budget. It’s a pervasive disbelief in your right to exist in the spaces you take up as you move through the world. Though it seeks to tell you otherwise, imposter syndrome is not a realistic observation of your worth.
Marked by a distinct fear of being identified as fraudulent in the ways you represent yourself, imposter syndrome has been primarily studied in women. Whether that applies to the work you do or the qualifications you possess, imposter syndrome is a persistent belief that you are not what you seem. This fear of being somehow unqualified for the role in which you operate can make you feel fraudulent in your actions and undermine any security in those roles.
To confirm whether this term applies to your situation, you can evaluate yourself through a scale developed by Dr. Clance, who is an early pioneer in the research on this phenomenon. Focus on applying these questions to each facet of your life to consider the extent it may impact them as a whole and separately.
Imposter syndrome may:
Make it difficult to accept or believe praise and compliments
Feel like you’ve “lucked” into the things you love in your life
Cause feelings of guilt when considering your accomplishments
Elicit feelings of unworthiness
Make asking for help feel unattainable
Look like perfectionism
Feel like anxiety or the constant threat of failure
Intimacy and Imposter Syndrome
Imposter syndrome detracts from our relationships being able to flourish in intimate and genuine connection. While it may express itself in work or other arenas of life, the feelings of fraudulence in our intimate relationships can be particularly unsettling. The internal refrain of not being enough is distressing. It can feel invalidating to your partner and make you feel a lack of security in the relationship.
In a relationship where one partner is constantly waiting to be left, there is a measure of uncertainty that outside sources cannot soothe. Your partner cannot reassure a worry that is rooted so deeply within yourself. It may manifest in codependent tendencies or resentment of the other things your partner values.
When you see yourself in competition with hobbies or other relationships your partner values, you undermine your importance in their life. Feeling undervalued will reinforce these feelings that you’re not enough and may provoke behaviors rooted in this insecurity instead of in the relationship’s truth. Being unable to receive and believe your partner’s affection is a painful side effect of intimate uncertainty.
Take Back Your Power- Together
In intimate relationships, you never bear the full responsibility for working through the emotions of those dynamics. A relationship, after all, is something that develops between two or more people. Though the heaviness of imposter syndrome may feel difficult to carry, it isn’t a weight you have to bear alone. Do not let these fears take away your voice to express what you’re feeling to your partner, and when they share their emotional response, hear them.
It may feel difficult or overwhelming to consider sharing thoughts or feelings that may reveal your vulnerabilities to your partner, but that’s the first step in working through them. When you allow your imposter syndrome to supersede your partner’s perception, you strip them of their power to express their emotions authentically. Focus on not allowing your fear to be more powerful than their feelings.
Overcome Imposter Syndrome with Counseling
Imposter syndrome can make you feel very uncertain in even the most authentic achievements. When you feel unworthy or insecure, fear becomes a powerful tool against your ability to act. But no matter what those feelings tell you, you are worthy. You have a very real place in your world and your relationships.
You don’t have to let imposter syndrome come between you and your partner. Through vulnerable communication and support, you can move past this uncertainty and build a future rooted in confidence. If you’re local to Akron, OH reach out to me for help in overcoming imposter syndrome and celebrating renewed intimacy. I’ll believe in you until you’re ready to.