When You’re in a Non-traditional Relationship

We all know the script to relationships. 

Meet. Flirt. Court. Date. Marriage. Move in. Have kids. Watch them grow. Begin anew.

We’ve been living it all our lives, whether we’re reciting it on the playground in songs or watching it play out with our loved ones. We’re meant to fall in line, follow that path and continue along it just as they did. It’s the “right” way- the traditional way. 

But it’s not the only way. 

If the choices you’re making for an authentic and wholesome relationship in your life feel like rebellion, you’re not alone. More importantly, there’s nothing wrong with you. 

The script may be written, but it’s not set in stone. Choosing something that feels genuine for you will always be more valuable than meeting expectations for your life set by someone who isn’t living it. The only person we need to answer to about our intimate spaces is ourselves and the partner(s) we choose to share it with. 

It’s okay to be the “or not” 

So you’re living together... Or not. 

You’ve got kids... Or not. 

You’re monogamous… or not. 

Any choice outside this narrow field of relationships often makes people feel uncomfortable. Sometimes, it’s a vicious discomfort that threatens our sense of safety in relationships. Other times, it’s simply borne of ignorance and needs some space to breathe in the newness of the revelation. Regardless, it hurts to feel rejected or somehow wrong about the softest and most intimate connections we can share. 

While it’s okay to be the “or not” that bucks the concept of traditional relationships, it doesn’t always feel great. Today, let’s talk about some of these non-traditional relationship choices.

Living arrangements

Most couples consider moving in together a milestone to strive toward. The preparation and practice of combining lives and sharing space feel good to them- like something to aspire to. That’s not for everyone, though. Whether you choose to maintain separate residences or separate bedrooms, valuing your autonomy in your living spaces does not mean your relationship is not progressing or that your partner is somehow being held at arm’s length.

Partners may choose to live apart for a variety of reasons. The choice could be made for them by work obligations- a relocation, living in different cities or even different countries. Perhaps you met on the internet and haven’t felt ready to uproot your world, so you make a new one together in moments you create through travel, connection, and the myriad of tools available for that. Living together is not a merit badge to show off the progress in your intimacy, especially if it doesn’t feel good to you.

Non-monogamy 

You can have more than one partner. The number of partners you have matters no more than the gender of your partners—no additional qualifiers needed. So long as there is open and ethical communication about boundaries and all partners feel safe and comfortable, an alternative relationship can work. You are not doing anything wrong by rejecting monogamy as your lifestyle and choosing instead to engage in the variety of relationship dynamics that involve multiple partnerships.

If you have a nesting partner and partners outside the home, each relationship is just as valid. If you live alone and have multiple partners at a dating level or are more committed to one and see others for play or casual engagement, these are all expressions of nonmonogamy to be celebrated when practiced by consenting individuals. Multiple partner dynamics may be hard to understand but don’t need to be quantified to be valid. 

Sex 

Sex can be a dealbreaker, and I don’t just mean the frequency you have it. The ways you have sex, or if you do at all, are essential parts of not just intimate expression but self-expression as well. Asexual relationships are meaningful intimate connections and, despite some perception from those who have never encountered them before, are not the same as friendships or roommates. Conversely, hypersexual relationships or relationships with additional sexually-rooted dynamics like kink or BDSM are valid and hold as much or as little value as each partner decides, together, at any stage of their relationship. The power dynamic and importance placed on sexual expression may change, moving with a relationship through different experiences, but knowing that your sexual needs and desires will be heard and respected is critical in creating open trust and offering space for physical vulnerability. 

Tiny, mighty rebellion

If ever there was a space in your life to speak up, break out, and move toward the spaces that feel best for you, how you express love and intimacy is it. Your relationships (and feeling safe and valid in them) is worth your rebellion from tradition. There is no right way to be intimate with someone unless it’s not right for you. Be it small or revolutionary, feeling free to love as you wish- or not- is a compassionate confidence we all deserve, and I’m here to support you as you reach for yours.